So much for the perfect day yesterday. It's SOOO hard to stay on an even keel! Things started well, but then distractions galore, culminating in seeing a baby pit bull darting around cars in the road and luring him into my office (with Joey's help) and then trying to to find his owners. Ended up taking him to the shelter with a heavy heart - he wasn't chipped and the woman there said they put down a lot of pit bulls every day. He was adorable. And I ate some madeleine cookies when I met Liza at Starbucks. I was feeling unaccomplished and unsatisfied. Carb fix.
Last night I talked to 1:30 in the AM with a new love interest, and how confusing is this? His name - Patrick. So in my contacts I have "Patrick" and "New Patrick". And New Patrick is fascinating. Here is part of his profile, edited a bit to protect his anonymity.
I’m an art, technology and philosophy professor (former electrical engineer) at XXXX, and I have the privilege to have a career that doubles as a lifestyle. It’s a little like working two jobs; being a teacher and being an artist, writer and curator. However, I’m not too busy for someone in my life, although I’d love for you to want to hit the galleries with me. I’m very diverse, as I have a little knowledge about a lot of things, so I’m a great conversational partner. I’ve traveled from Turkey to Brazil to the Aleutians/Arctic, and all across Europe. Want to talk about literature, sociology, urban planning, ROI, sustainability, urban farming and a lot of other stuff? I’m your man.
So, wow. What an amazing man! His art is on display at the Smithsonian and next week he jets to Turkey to chair a seminar on Turkish performance art and Turkish translation in art (or something like that). And yes I DO want to talk about literature, sociology, urban planning...etc. So maybe there will be life after Patrick I. The head says, "Go for it!" My heart tells my head, "Traitor". I wish I could wash the former out of my heart but for now he is the only resident there..the new prospects, Les, Manny, Brad, New-Patrick, Mike, Terry are knocking at the castle door but the drawbridge is pulled up. Soon though I hope someone crashes through with a battering ram - my heart needs liberating.
I'm reading a very bizarre book, The Family Fang about a couple who are performance artists. They are famous for making and documenting public disturbances in the name of art. When they become pregnant with their first child, the father is distraught, thinking that children will kill his art. His wife convinces him that their children will become their art and they go on to incorporate their children (who they dub Child A and Child B) into their art pieces, making them take part in dark, twisted art events (the boy dresses up as a girl and wins a beauty pageant and then as he strolls the runway, pulls off his wig to reveal his boy-ness - stuff like that). I'm finding it hard to read this book, the concept of people using children for their own selfish pleasure. Every now and then as I read the book, I squirm to see myself guilty of something similar. Parents, even the good ones, often do unspeakable harm. One mother* I know said, upon being told her kids' had terrifying childhoods, "I'm so incredibly sad I was a mother who scared her children so they couldn't give me the comfort I needed." Parental selfishness - surely we can do better.
I will want to talk about this book more, I'm sure. There is something incredibly dark about the concept of having children and using children to further your own agenda, to satisfy your own needs. I'm starting to think about the different types of relationships and how they aren't all egalitarian. Kaveh is not allowed to bring his needs into the therapeutic room. A meeting organizer needs to define the agenda and objectives of a meeting and hold the participants to appropriate behavior and keep the agenda on track, friends are not bosses and should temper their criticism and offer unconditional love and support, and parents, like good therapists, should not bring their own needs to the parenting equation. I've been so guilty of that, looking for and hoping my kids could meet my insatiable need for love and acceptance. I'm starting to realize it's not their job - they have a biological imperative to break free of me and shake off the attachment.
Today I ramble. I'm unsettled. Too many distractions. I've opened the dating floodgate and the mongols are beating at my door and I'm saying, "Oh, shit. What have I done? I'm so not ready for this!" Today is Catherine's birthday (25 years ago I labored for 25 hours). I've been doing this parenting things for 25 years!!!! You'd think I'd be good at it! (I'm not.).
The challenge today is to make some mental notes and rules about what you bring to the relationships in your life, what is appropriate to expect - you could almost write a mission statement for each important relationship so that you aren't sloppy in how you interact. Doesn't that sound business-y? But really, each relationship has a specific set of needs and requirements, the boundaries should be identified and reinforced, goals should be itemized and met. What I'm saying badly is that relationships aren't "one size fits all". The care and feeding of relationships is really important and requires some structure. If you're a needy mess and treat everyone in your life as fungible stars in your solar system with you as the sun, you aren't exercising any discrimination or self control. In an effort to getting your own needs met, you aren't meeting the needs of others. So get granular. Think about each important person in your life. What does the relationship need to thrive and how can you contribute to meeting the need.
Peace,
Sarah
*my mother
No comments:
Post a Comment