Pumpkin Spice Latte/Delete Selected Texts

Today my daughter Elizabeth said, "Starbucks is responsible for our moods!"  I laughed because just a few days ago I pondered a pictorial display that showed a buccolic fall scene and the words, "Shorter Days and Longer Nights and Not Minding It one Bit," or something like that. It was a promotion for a Pumpkin Spiced Latte, the message being that, now that Pumpkin Spice Lattes are back, we can relax into autumn, surrender to the waning daylight and let ourselves be comforted with a warm cozy drink.   I was sold!  I ordered one with the specification that they use skim milk and not use the pumpkin syrup which would have added calories.  So what I got was my usual non-fat latte with a sprinkle of pumpkin pie spices on top.  Very little consolation for the loss of summer!

This weekend, I had a somber time.  Fun at Schaller's on Friday night.   A group of six of us - would you like to join us some night?   Janet and I sang great and that guy Christ was handsome and fun and the new friend from Australia, a delight - so glad I befriended her - she is special.   And I drank moderately and felt just fine the next morning.   The day was spent completing the transposing of all of my Patrick texts from my phone.   James says it's weird that I did that - that a normal person, having broken up with someone, would have just deleted them all, along with the contact information, pictures, etc.   I couldn't do that - I had to archive the texts and so, in my best handwriting, I copied them all into my journal and relived the relationship from the very first get-to-know-you, flirty texts, to the happy-in-love texts, to the WTF texts where he accused me of hacking his e-mail, to the final breakup and the heartbreaking texts - too many of them sent as I struggled to let go.   Then a certain amount of ceremony as I deleted them from my phone, along with his contact information and pictures of him.  There is now no trace of him in my smart phone.  Was this a good thing to do? I'm not sure....it could have been just more clinging, another exercise in heartache, a fooling myself that I'm moving on, while really I spent two full days reliving every day we were together.   I dunno. Time will tell.  I feel a little more moved on today...a little.

Willpower - the book, done.   It didn't disappoint.   I learned so much about our capacity for exercising will, what is possible, where the pitfalls are, strategies for improving self-regulation, aha moments, and more.  Not sure how much reading the book will affect my life - I'm hoping a lot.   A follow-up book I ordered by David Allen:  Getting Things Done:  The Art of Stress Free Productivity. There was a chapter in Willpower dedicated to this approach to time/task management.   It appeals to me.  One thing that makes a lot of sense is how they break down tasks into the most granular sub-tasks.   It's not enough to assign yourself a task to, for example, Get Apartment Rented.   That is too general.  You ask yourself, "What is the very first step to getting the apartment rented?"   The answer may be, "Place an ad."  But again, that is not specific enough.   The task that should be put on your to-do list should be the very next specific action item which might be, "Log on to Craig's List and Search for Apartments in Evanston to Evaluate Housing Price Points".    If you're thinking you need to get new auto insurance, the action item would be something as specific as "E-mail three friends and ask them who they use for auto insurance and determine how much they pay".   You get the idea.

Victor is helping me at the office.   He said I'm dying by a thousand paper cuts.  He's right. I need things to change starting this week. Watch me be a phoenix rising from the ashes!   It's going to happen.

So what do we think about this time of year?  I awoke on Saturday to a cloudy, crappy morning and didn't take Mr. Joe to the dog beach but instead went to Starbucks and left him in the car while I sat at a table there and did my transpositions.   I enjoyed feeling the flux of people around me and my crazy friend Roger was there.   He literally is a bit looney but so very interesting.   He is a life long learner and publishes tiny, little books on bizarre topics like priests abusing altar boys, or the Federal Reserve Bank and he always gives me free product when he sees me.   He was orgasmic over the Willpower book which I had with me - he was extremely familiar with experiments done on parole judges that showed a link between the judge's glucose levels and their decisions - if you are going in front of a judge asking for parole, you are 80% more likely to be released if he's just gotten back from lunch or a snack break!

Home again and I forced myself to create beautiful fall ambience in my home.   I carted wood in from the pile and started a crackling fire.   I roasted butternut squash with olive oil, garlic and nutmeg.  I cleaned, polished and organized and then sat by the fire and did more writing.   It was lovely.   I got out board games and Madeleine and I played Parcheesi which we hadn't played for years.  It was really special in a very cozy, low key way.  Then friends Liza and James came over in the late evening for a drink and more Parcheesi - nice.  Today more of the same, a cozy fire, more Parcheesi, careful eating, and my book finished.  Tonight dinner with Karen.

Today I ramble.  Yesterday I seriously toyed with not writing this blog any more.   I told James and Liza that I'm a hypocrite.  The title of this blog is "Living Well" and I don't feel that I embody that mission these days.  I am treading water and slipping below the surface most days.  I'm a broken record over my not-so-recent loss that I should have been over long before now.  I have been using writing as an escape.  And most of all, this blog is my last link to him.  Most days I speak to him here.  So what to do?   I'm prone these days to rash pronouncements and promises that I'm not keeping, lines in the sand, black and white thinking.   Each time I make a vow that I don't keep, a part of me withers in disappointment.  All my life I've had a will of iron, indefatigably getting things done.   Now I'm a horse that can't get out of the gate, thrashing this way and that, trying to find a way to break through, to be rid of the inertia and pain.   Baby steps - that's all I can promise.   Today no Patrick in my phone.   Tomorrow I may not mention him at all on my blog.  Tuesday I might focus on something entirely different when I talk with Kaveh, my therapist.  Baby steps.   Steady as she goes.   No need for big pronouncements.

My challenge for today is loving myself even though I am so disappointed in myself these days.   There are forces at work within me that I just don't understand and can't get my arms around.   There are ancient wounds that have been ripped open that have stopped me in my tracks.  Sad, confused, heartbroken, disappointed, afraid - all of it is OK.   I have hope that I will be OK in time.  I have hope that my melodic laugh will return in time.  I have hope.   Your challenge could be congratulating yourself on being a good friend to me so that you read this drivel day in and day out because you love me despite my pathetic state.   You could also check out that David Allen book if you, like me, feel overwhelmed by minutiae and tasks.

Thank you for reading.,
Sarah