Make Good Ruts/A Bar Set Too High

So, this dating thing.  I said I wouldn't be ready until the killing frost and I think I should have stuck with that. Having said that, it's fun and flattering - all the attention I'm getting these days.  Every day I talk to someone new and I've started keeping a database of the romantic prospects.  And...almost without exception I'm making some kind of meaningful connection with these men who are looking for something.  I suspect I'll end up with a bunch more male friends because I don't let it progress past the flirt.   I'm finding something wrong with each of them....too old, too poor, retired-yuck, too young, still lives in the same house as his ex, a nudist, too far away, probably too tall, too fit, too fat, too much a player, unemployed, not handsome enough, too busy, too Republican, too sweet, too talkative, too dumb, uninteresting, etc. etc.   I know...I get it - if I keep comparing everyone to him, everyone is going to come up short in one way or another.  That's what James told me this morning to which I answered, "Is it too much to ask that they are as wonderful as he was?" Hmmmmm....I'm thinking he set the bar impossibly high.  And yet I hope.

So this morning, brisk right?  I bundled up and took Joey to the beach as usual.   Today I brought the book Willpower with me and sat in the sand and read as he galloped with the other dogs.  And if you're going to borrow this book from me be prepared for water damaged pages and tons of sand in the spine.  The book is already an amazing read and I think it's just what I need to get unstuck...nothing else is working.  Here are some of the things I've picked up so far.

• When psychologists isolate the personal qualities that predict 'positive outcomes' in life, they consistently find two traits:  intelligence and self-control.    
• The Victorians were big on willpower but by the 20th century psychologists and philosophers doubted its existence.  
• People rarely name self-control as one of their greatest personal strengths.  
• People spend a quarter of their waking hours resisting desires - the urge to eat, sleep, urge for leisure, sex, social networking Internet sites, TV watching.  
• People are pretty good at avoiding sleep, sex and spending money but typically can't resist TV, the Web and the temptation to relax.  
• Freud actually postulated that the "self" depended on mental activities involving the transfer of energy - that "transfer of energy" has recently been discovered (there is a willpower/glucose connection).
• Willpower has fallen out of fashion - the idea of character building as something that could be developed.  
• After WWII there were forces that weakened the ideal of a strong will. Consumer demand became vital to the economy and new generations of people were directed by things like neighbors' opinions and authors who espoused the realizable wish - "believe it, achieve it - self indulgence.  
• By mid 20th century people lacked the sturdy character of their ancestors.

I'll report more on my reading...some of the experiments cited are really interesting like the one they did on toddlers who were given a marshmallow and told they could eat it at any time, but if they waited until the adult returned to the room in fifteen minutes, they would get two.   Many children scarfed the marshmallow, some tried to resist it but failed and some were successful in waiting and earned the 2nd marshmallow.   The kids were followed to adulthood.  "They found that the ones who had shown the most willpower at age four went on to get better grades and test scores.  The children who had manged to hold out the entire fifteen minutes went on to score 210 points higher on the SATs than the ones who had caved after the first half minute.  The children with willpower grew up to become more popular with their peers and their teachers.  They earned higher salaries.  They had a lower body-mass index, suggesting that they were less prone to gain weight as middle age encroached.  They were less likely to report having had problems with drug abuse.... - the conclusion of the really smart people who have made this their study? - Self regulation failure is the major social pathology of our time.  Wow!

For me, it's carving some new ruts in the road - better, truer ruts that can daily guide my actions without huge effort.  Lately the road I walk is a confusing mess of old standby ruts and new confusing detours. The ruts that have held me in good stead are the healthy habits I do every day, the boring but necessary self care:  a refrigerator kept clean and organized and filled with lean protein, fruits and vegetables, exercise taken regularly, a tidy home, diligence at work, keeping in touch with people I need, creativity nurtured, etc.  Sometimes these daily habits are a huge source of pleasure and some days they are a drudge, something to do  just because they're good for me....the important thing is that they are done.   I think that's where the character building and willpower thing comes into play.   We make new ruts to guide us.  Initially there is excitement in the new endeavor, but eventually the initiative becomes rote and we're tempted to leave it by the wayside.

I made some rut detours this week - flirted with some behaviors I knew wouldn't support me well. Little stuff:   a biscotti purchased with my latte, not doing the full walk along the lakefront (just going directly to the dog beach), roast beef sandwich at Panera before the new writing group, tiny innocent looking containers of Hagen Daaz rum raisin ice cream, not making my bed in the morning.   Hmmm...taken individually these are not things to worry about, but if they are new ruts in the road, new bad habits, not good.

The season is changing on us and if you're like me you feel restless and a bit anxious.  There is change in the air and whenever there is change there is an opportunity to make positive or negative choices - there is vulnerability.  Things like less sun in the morning could entice you to sleep in where you were, this summer, getting up religiously early to hit your treadmill.  Maybe you were grilling lots of fish and vegetables but now with a snap in the air you are craving meatloaf and mashed potatoes.  Or maybe you were taking your bike out in the evening but now you are drawn to the new fall lineup of what's on TV.  Change=vulnerability.   I think the challenge today is to protect the gains we've made.  Have a Plan B and C.   For me I'm thinking of what I'm going to do for exercise for Joey and me when it's too cold to walk along the lakefront and visit the beach.

Peace,
Sarah

Pictures are from my kitchen - the things I do to take care of myself.