Tell Me There's a Reason/A Suicide Threat

I may be pushing the season, but this is how I feel these days:

Why should I be stunned when winds begin to change?
Clearest skies turn slowly into rain
The leaves throw off their green
Nothing new about this scene
Still I want you here with me
Cause that's the way it used to be

Tell me there's a reason
For every stupid season
November freezes everything in sight
I'm fine all day, I think of you at night

Loving you was like a trip around the world
Spires of gold, skylines made of pearls
From the mountains of Peru all the way to Kathmandu
Now I'm sitting here alone
And I just want you to come home

Maybe I was not
The person that you thought
A joke I made
You never got

Time has its way with everyone
You can't stop the circle of the sun
But you can pull down all the shades
You can wait for better days
Throw another blanket on
Til the winter's come and gone

Talked with Kaveh this morning. He gets it.  He doesn't try and tell me it was just a short-lived relationship that I should be over by now.  He is OK with me grieving still.  He is patient.  I am grateful. That's all....nothing else to say about it except that it's not getting better...the loss, sadness.  I miss him too much.

OK....shake myself like Joey did when he bounded out of the surf this morning.  Shake off the affect, the dour mood (did you know that dour is supposed to rhyme with sewer? -that's the proper pronunciation!).  Listening to one of my favorite groups - Girlyman (the lyrics above were written by them - great songsters) - check them out!

Tonight is the maiden voyage of the new writing group.....with James, Liza and me as the fearless leaders.  I'm psyched to be starting something new and fresh.  Most of the people that signed up for tonight are new faces that weren't part of the group we splintered from - huge surprise there!   I'm hopeful there will some amazing stories that bubble up out of the group tonight.   When it happens, when someone writes something from their heart or subconscious, in 15 minutes with no edits, it is art at its best - raw, real.  Often its hilarious, often poignant and sometimes so sad we hide our tears.  A creative group like this can be the best therapy.   If the group is good, people lower their defenses, take risks, share things as thinly veiled fiction that they never thought would see the light of day.   Magic. Art. Healing. Friendship. Good.

I am sad about my family...Kaveh says it's fractured....he's right.  Nick says it's missing a strong male figure...Kaveh says he's right.  Every single member of my little family is struggling, not OK, longing for connection, incredibly angry with each other.  I have always tried to fix everything, to make everyone OK, to patch things up.  Now though, it's feeling like every man for himself.  There are no longer abundant resources to be spread as a balm.  I actually think this is good in a perverse way....money can mask things.  If you throw enough funds at a problem often it goes away, at least for a while.   Now the family members have to rise to the occasion and figure out how they can stand on their own two feet.   They don't like it of course - they're used to a gravy train.  But in the long run, it's what they need.   I think of Steve's mother who was left by her military husband.   He never came home after a while and set up a new life in Chicago, leaving her back on a little island in Peugeot Sound.  He didn't divorce her..that would have required them facing up to the facts of their dissolution.  Instead he slunk away and she lived on his largesse.   Had they divorced and she forced to get back out into the world and get a job, it would have been her salvation.  Instead she became a recluse and drowned her sorrows in a bottle.

I have a friend whose wife is threatening suicide because he recently left her.  Last night she called him to say "good-bye".   He called me in tears, not sure how to respond.   I told him to call 911 and have them take her involuntarily to the hospital for a psychiatric evaluation.  I then went on to say that maybe, just maybe, this was going to be a positive turning point for her life.  I thought of Steve's mom.   I'm afraid I didn't help him at all with this line of thinking, but really what Kaveh says is true - change comes from adversity.

Kaveh wants me to think about how I've been transformed in a good way by the relationship with Patrick.  I was incredulous - a good way??  Is he serious?   Anyone who experiences me these days is worried for me...my transformation has been devastating.   And yet, maybe this is something to ponder.   Is there growth here, however painful?   When I heal will I be a bigger, better person than I was before I met him?   Will I be wiser?  More compassionate to those who struggle?  Will my bottom line be stronger, knowing I survived such a sad loss?   Maybe.   If I wish for my friend's wife to be OK and use her husband's leaving for personal growth, I guess it would be hypocritical of me not to wish the same for myself.

The challenge for me today is to do what Kaveh said to do.....keep busy, keep trying, accept the loss and be OK.   The challenge for you today could be reaching out with compassion to someone you know is suffering...don't preach or pontificate or tell them how to act....just sit with them and be a witness to their struggle.

Peace,
Sarah