What a beautiful day today...crispness and clarity on this our second (or is it third) day of fall. The day started predictably - the whole out of bed, leash, dog, hat, latte, beach thing. But there were some differences....a car accident outside Starbucks. I saw a policeman escort an elderly black woman to a bench - she was shaking - When I came out with my drink, I saw her try to rise and fall back so I had to ask her if she was OK, could I get her a drink, call someone for her, was she sure she shouldn't go to the hospital? I reengaged the police officer on her behalf and suggested she go to the ER just to be sure. And then I left her, hoping she would be OK, feeling like I should have done more. And then I questioned my motivation in helping her - I always do this, as if I'm God or something passing judgement on my actions to determine if the source of them is true goodness or just narcissistic supply. Did I help her because I like to think of myself as a kind and generous person and by acting like a kind and generous person a) I can fool everyone into believing that about me or b) maybe if I do it enough I WILL be a kind and generous person. Or maybe I really AM a kind and generous person! It's all so confusing when you start second guessing yourself!
Also today I made some unremarkable but important observations. I stepped out of my own head and noticed and listened to the other beings around me. The black woman - for her it was a day from hell, a couple in Starbucks talking earnestedly, she with tears in her eyes - for them this might be their break-up day (sad), a darling curious little boy and his equally curious mother who lingered over every store window they passed, taking everything in and chatting happily to each other - for them, a precious day, a couple on the beach arguing about who to invite for Thanksgiving, seemingly hostile but then seeing them happily holding hands - for them just another day duking it out while still maintaining a loving connection. I realized that today, September 22, 2011 is a mixed-bag day. For some a day that will live in infamy, for others just another beautiful fall day to be enjoyed, for others a red letter day to remember forever. Taken in toto, it's just life - life that moves us forward, always changes, usually surprises. Sometimes it's a delight, sometimes a tragedy, sometimes just dull. The only certainty is that everything plays itself out...time marches.
New potential beau - Arthur. We are so much alike I wonder if it's vain of us to like each other - like looking in a mirror. The Internet dating site has us so closely matched it's as if we just copied each others' answers and slapped our names on it. Maybe we really ARE the same person! - he my male clone, separated at birth in some freak circumstance. OK, I'm being silly, but it's eerie. Haven't met him yet...I think we are both a little afraid to meet - afraid to spoil the phone magic, afraid that despite the resonance we feel, the pheromones just won't be there - that there will be a reptilian response to each other that says, "I don't care how good you both look on paper, I'm just not feeling it." And that can't be ignored, overridden, intellectualized, rationalized away. If, when we meet, there is no physical reaction, a leaping of the heart, a curling of the toes then it will be an alas moment and we will continue our respective quests. He is an attorney with a specialty that less than 200 people in the world have, extremely cultured, a foodie like me, a reader like me, and world traveled. We shall see!
So my book is giving me insight about the dating rituals I'm going through. I'm experiencing what they describe firsthand. I've found an Internet dating site where there is a plethora of prospective partners and maybe because I'm "accomplished, attractive and articulate" (as one man described me) I receive a lot of communication. Prior to the discovery of this site, my criteria had descended to pulse, male, interested in me, and little more. Now I match myself with very strict criteria and there are tons of people to meet. And the more options I have, the less decisive I get. The book describes.."In theory, that detailed profile should have helped people find just the right mate, but in practice it produced so much information and so many choices that people became absurdly picky....online customers typically go out with fewer than 1% of the people whose profiles they check out...because online seekers have so many choices they just go on browsing. They studied this reluctance to give up options by watching people play a computer game in which they earned real cash by opening doors to find rewards inside rooms. The best strategy was to open each of the three doors on the computer screen, find the one with the most lucrative reward, and then stay in that room. But even after players learned that strategy, they had a hard time following it when an additional feature was introduced. If they stayed out of any room for a while, its door would start shrinking and eventually disappear, effectively closing the door permanently. That prospect so bothered players that they would jump back into a room to keep the door open even though the move reduced their overall earnings....Closing a door on an option is experienced as a loss, and people are willing to pay a price to avoid the emotion of loss. Sometimes that makes sense, but too often we're so eager to keep options open that we don't see the long-term price that we're paying - or that others are paying. When you won't settle for less than a perfect mate, you end up with no one.
This is interesting right? We are in information overload and as a result we often suffer paralysis. Better that we be given fewer choices - it's less crazy making. As we've discussed before, I am trying to put some helpful blinders on and limit the amount of information I let into my world - I am guarding the portal. I am aware my mind gets exhausted and paralyzed by too much - too much yammer, too many topics, too much worry, too many choices. It's not good for me. And so I crave a simpler life, one my brain can relax around. Some good loving, good conversation, simple but delicious meals made in an uncluttered peaceful house, time to read, time to enjoy nature, some honest work. That would be my daily fare which could then be punctuated with some peak experiences - trips to exciting places, music, theater, meals. It wouldn't take much.
My challenge today is to set a goal to realize this dream of simplicity. I will mentally walk through my day and my environment and decide what should stay and what should change or go. I will divest much of what I have - remember when you buy something, it ends up owning you! It's really doable. Your goal could be the same - to look critically at your environment - is it supporting your happiness? Are the things, people and habits you've surrounded yourself with making you happy? Maybe they did once but now they're just hangers-on and they need to find a new life elsewhere in someone else's life. I'm thinking it's time we put ourselves on a information/possession diet. Less is more!
Peace,
Sarah
Picture is the score to the Shaker song, "Simple Gifts". I used to sing it in church.
Picture is the score to the Shaker song, "Simple Gifts". I used to sing it in church.
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