The new writing group last night was great. A few friends but mostly new faces which was wonderful - so energizing to meet new, talented folks. My dear friend Victor was there which was a victory because he can be a creative loner. His writing was fantastic and met with jaw dropping appreciation. James led the prompts and, as usual, he did not disappoint - he was a great leader. And Sam came which was a cross pollination between two of my worlds - he's a new acquaintance from one of the Internet dating sites I haunt and now he's a member of my writing group! I'm fine with that - he's already family. My writing....you won't believe this, given how much I spit out in a day....I had nothing to say! My writing muse up and left me last night! I found myself being the very worst of things - trite, boring and a one-trick pony. There is little more I can write about heartache and yet, that is the only subject that bubbles out of me when I take pen to paper. In two weeks I'll lead the prompts and Liza said to me, "So what are your prompts going to be? Prompt#1 - Write something with the word Patrick in it. Prompt#2 - Write something with the word (his last name) in it. Prompt#3 - Write something with (his full name) in it. She was obviously poking good fun at me but the point was well taken. Sarah=boring these days. Really, boring, me???? Never.
All kidding aside, these days I disappoint myself. Someone else who I don't like or admire has inhabited my skin. I remember telling a friend once - the only thing that would make me disappointed in him is if he disappointed himself. And now, I disappoint myself. These are the things that trouble me: I throw down challenges to myself and I am not meeting them; I'm not taking effective care of myself; I am not good to my word these days; I am self absorbed; I am stuck; I am not supporting others enough; I am unfocused; I am not living each day fully. Since when does Sarah make a promise to herself and not keep it? Since when does she make a solemn vow and break it? Since when did she stop listening so, when friends reference, for instance, a recent trip she was oblivious they were even out of town!? Since when did she throw in the towel with people she loves and not fight with her last breath for them to be OK? Since when did she allow herself to be immobilized when desperate times required action? And more.
I think I need rescuing. I think I need someone like my friend Victor to mentor me for a few days, to be there from the moment I get up to the end of the day to get me back into a productive groove. I need someone to sit with me and walk with me and say, "Do this, don't do this." I need someone to lift me out of bad inertia and help me get on positive trajectory. Or maybe I just need to Sybil myself and find a multiple personality that smacks of a Nazi prison matron who won't take any prisoners with my other multiple selves.
The mother manifesto was met with incredulity and dismay and then ignored. I made a list of daily chores for them to do which required check marks placed so I knew they were being completed. To date, not one check mark or chore completed. They think I'm kidding...when did I become a eunuch?
This morning I did what I usually do which is scrub down the kitchen from the kid-slime mess of the day before (jam dripping off counters, egg encrusted pans, butter smeared on counters, etc). I restored things to perfect order and wondered if everyone attends to things in the kitchen the way I do. As I put delicata squash into a large bowl to be roasted later, I did my daily tending of the fruit bowl. As I set out new fruit fly traps, I wondered - does everyone do these things? How do other people handle the food management required to maintain a lovely and appealing fruit bowl? Do they examine the fruit daily, putting pieces in the frig as needed? Do they make banana bread with bananas past their point of edibility? Do they set fruit fly traps? Do other people feel the need to have six or more types of fruit at any one time? Eating well requires this level of care and feeding!
One reader asked me to share my "recipe" for fruit fly traps. You need a tall thin glass - a champagne glass works well, a piece of copy paper, scissors, tape, fruit and yeast. Put a piece of fruit in the bottom of the glass and sprinkle with yeast. Make a cone from the paper with a very small hole in the bottom. If you want, cut the top of the cone to make it look more cone-ish. Put the cone into the glass (it should not be touching the fruit) and then using a very long piece of tape, tape all around the seam where the glass and the cone meet, making sure there are no gaps. When you get to the end of the piece of tape, you can fold the last inch or so back on itself to make a tab - easier to unpeel when you empty the trap. Place the trap near your fruit-bowl - in a day you will have caught many fruit flies. They will have been attracted by the yeasty fruit smell and entered the trap through the cone and the tiny hole. Curiously, they will not exit through the entrance hole. Each day I empty the trap and make a new one. Here is a picture.
My challenge for the rest of the afternoon and tomorrow is to get firm with myself. I need to stop wallowing in sadness and indulgence and put my nose to the grindstone. I think I will make myself a project plan, like I am my own customer, put some hard and fast rules about my work day. Your challenge could be to do the same. If you are floundering and need to be a rainmaker of your own life, take my cue and Sybil yourself. Find your inner Nazi matron and hold yourself to a rigid Germanic schedule for just one day - see how that goes.
Peace,
Sarah
Picture is of a fruit fly trap with grapes.
No comments:
Post a Comment